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Story Notes:
A plot bunny that wouldn't leave me alone. It's meant to be completely ridiculous.
Cougar, (slang): an attractive woman who dates younger men.

THE FRENCH TEACHER

When Lisa Rix called LJ to let him know she would be late for her French lesson, she instructed him to let Christine in and offer her the brownies she had baked the night before. LJ agreed to do so, secretly thrilled because Christine was a beautiful girl, a junior in high school, and she always had a kind smile for him.

His mother came home an hour late, and found her barely thirteen-year-old son and her French teacher having sex on the living room couch. She screamed several times, told Christine that if she ever saw her again she was going to press statutory rape charges, and sent LJ to his room. All parties were hideously embarrassed.

Later that evening, LJ winced as his mom came into his room with her hands clasped together. After a few deep breaths, she told him on no uncertain terms that he was not to have sex until he was out of high school because she didn’t want to be a grandmother in her early thirties, and that if he felt like dating he was to find a girlfriend his own age. She proceeded to call Christine several not-so-nice names, mumble something about teenage pregnancy, and leave.

LJ had no intention of following the first of his mother’s orders. That afternoon had been his first time, but it had been good, and he would not be the only guy in high school remaining celibate. But he genuinely tried to obey the latter command. Things just kept…coming up.

DAD’S GIRLFRIEND

After watching his mother and step-father die and having two members of the Secret Service chase him across Chicago, LJ couldn’t really think about much of anything. He was exhausted, numb, probably suffering from a minor case of PTSS, and not really in the mood to talk with Veronica about his feelings.

But that clearly wasn’t what Veronica had in mind. In that cabin, up in the woods in New Glarus, after he had slept for about twelve hours, she had started coming on to him with the ferocity of a woman long –deprived. He knew she wasn’t; one of the things that had prevented him from falling asleep immediately had been the sounds of Nick and Veronica comforting each other in the bedroom next to where he had been sprawled on the couch. It had been loud. And unnerving. But not nearly as unnerving as this.

In the end he couldn’t really help it. Her big blue-green eyes had begged him, and he was so out of it, and so desperate to forget, that he had assented. So, he had let his father’s ex give him a hand job, trying not to think about how weird it was, and proceeded to return the favor for her. She had tried to take it to an intercourse level, but that would have just been disgusting.

SURROGATE MOTHER

It was a long drive from southern Colorado to Seattle, and Jane didn’t handle idleness well. So somewhere in the middle of Idaho, when it had been LJ’s turn to drive even though he had no license, she had commented on being incredibly bored, ordered LJ to stop the car, come around to the driver’s seat, issued another order to start driving again, and LJ was treated to his first experience with road-head.

He didn’t get how people did this. He almost crashed the car a few times, and thought that it would just be excellent if they were pulled over right about now. No license, receiving a vigorous blow job from a woman twenty years older than him who he would later learn had had a sexual relationship with his grandfather, not to mention that he was the son of America’s most wanted man?

He really hoped they didn’t get pulled over.

For the next week or so he stayed in Jane’s house. She played Mommy to him, which was more than a little strange. Maybe he had imagined the whole thing.

There also appeared to be an interesting trend, he thought as he lay tied up in the private jet on the way to Panama. First Veronica, then Jane. Maybe the women he hooked up with were not only obscenely older than him, but fated to die.

THE ONE WHO DIDN’T COME AFTER HIM

LJ had been very relieved that Sara had barely even acknowledged him for the duration of their time in captivity. Call it his ego, but if she had started trying to seduce him he might very well have screamed. Plus, he had become quite convinced that she would die if they did anything sexual.

She died anyway, and LJ wondered if it was a case of cruel irony.

STOCKHOLM SYNDROME/DAD’S NEW GIRLFRIEND

LJ had the hots for Sofia. That he was willing to admit. When Susan had brought her in the day before the scheduled hostage exchange, he had smiled at her, suddenly thinking being a hostage wasn’t SO bad.

Susan also apparently had the hots for Sofia. Sofia didn’t appear to mind Susan, either. And he got to watch them make out, finger-bang each other, and he saw Sofia without a shirt on.

Then they had untied him, kissed him all over, laid him on the floor. One of them sat on his face, the other over his cock, and he was really sure that the world had already gone to hell. Fuck it.

Maybe, if history repeated itself, Susan would proceed to get herself killed. At the same time, he hoped Sofia was excluded from this trend.

A severely fucked-up threesome. He had had sex, (maybe), with his dad’s new girlfriend before his dad had even kissed her, or he had had sex with the psychotic sociopath who had beheaded the love of his uncle’s life. He wasn’t sure which was more twisted. And the one he hadn’t had intercourse with had come violently around his tongue, which was almost as bad. Why couldn’t normal people his own age be attracted to him? Why did he find himself in situations with insanely gorgeous women, but the circumstances were so ridiculous that he couldn’t even enjoy them?

His head hurt.

DAMSEL IN DISTRESS

Susan made good on her threat to hold Maricruz hostage. She had given Sucre forty-eight hours to get her the bird book from T-Bag inside Sona.

LJ and his dad had made it their mission to rescue her. It had involved Lincoln distracting the guards with a couple well-placed bombs while LJ located her and got her out of the fire.

Later on the beautiful, slightly pregnant young woman had come to say thank you. LJ wasn’t surprised.

He took her up on her offer. She was only nine years older than him, she had never slept with anyone he was related to, and he hadn’t been in the room and listened to her decapitate someone.

As far as he was concerned, it was an improvement.

AN ACCEPTABLE PARTNER

Finally, he found a girl only three years older than him. Her name was Sasha, she was white trash, and her dad had been beaten to death by the crazy guy who had broken out with Michael.

She had asked him from the beginning how he had gotten to be so proficient in bed for such a young guy. He had told her she didn’t want to know.