When the night has come, And the land is dark, And the moon is the only light we'll see No I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid
Sara moved around the bed and stopped when she reached the crib, she glanced down and smiled at her son. He was asleep, and she wasn’t even sure that he knew that she was there. She had thought about it, if he knew when she was around, if he knew when she was watching. She had shared her body with him, his soul, so did he? Know that she was there, she liked to think so.
People often said that things changed when you became a parent, that your perspective changed, priorities, feelings. She had wished and hoped that it was true, that there was something that altered and know she felt it, because she was a mother, she was responsible for another life.
And it was not in a way that she had felt before, being a doctor, taking care of people, that was a completely different feeling, being a mom, was something else entirely.
Now, she understood more clearly what Lincoln had experienced back at Chance Woods, the numerous times that he had believed that his son had been taken from him. She understood it so clearly and the fear that something might, some day happen to her own son, terrified her beyond belief. She wasn’t sure that she would be able to handle it, no scratch that, she knew she wouldn’t be able to.
So she watched him, and she thought of how she couldn’t wait until he responded to her, not just in the way he did now, his cries got her attention, but when he would be able to communicate with her, to say the actual words of what he needed.
She couldn’t help but laugh, here she was so enamored with her baby son, that she was already wishing that he were older. But when those days arrived, she would wish that she had the time back again, that he was just a child again.
Footsteps on the wooden floor behind her caught her attention and brought her out of her day dream.
She glanced over her shoulder and saw Michael standing in the doorway. “He’s asleep, isn’t he?”
She nodded back at him. “Yes, for about 20 minutes, why do you ask?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “No reason, was just curious.”
“Michael, has there been any news on Lisa?” She asked. “I mean Lincoln went to the hospital this morning, and he hasn’t called yet.”
“Well if anything happens, he will.” he told her.
“What about LJ, shouldn’t he be here?”
“Linc actually said he talked to him last night, he had a couple of classes this morning, but he would be here later.” He reached out and took the baby monitor from her, “We should get downstairs, I think Gretchen arrived just before I came up here.”
It was almost 3pm when Lincoln called the house to tell Michael and Sara to come down to the hospital.
Sara took the bag out to the car, and loaded the baby seat in. “Michael, did he say anything else at all?”
Michael shook his head. “No, he just said that we should get down there.”
Lincoln waited just outside of the room, and when he saw Michael and Sara walking down the corridor, he was just relieved that they were there.
They didn’t say anything, Michael just embraced his brother and for the longest time they stood there like that.
“LJ is in there with her now?” Sara asked after a few minutes.
“Yeah, he got her about an hour ago, but she was asleep.”
“Linc, what are they saying?” She wanted to know. “is Julia around?”
“She was in here before, not sure where she is now, but yeah she said that its not looking good.” He told her.
“OK well I think I might track Julia down, see what’s going on.” She replied. “I’ll be back soon.” She leant over and kissed Michael on the cheek and then disappeared down the hallway.
“How did it go with the lawyer?” Michael asked his brother.
“All the papers are signed, its done.”
Michael nodded slightly. “That’s good.”
“Yeah I guess so.”
Michael drew in a deep breath and leant back against the wall. “You’re going to be alright Linc, you did this before, you can do it again.”
“Yeah, I’m sure that I can.” he folded his arms across his chest. “Thing is, that at least before, Lisa was there, not around, but she was there. This time, she’s not going to be.”
He reached out, placing his hand on his brother’s shoulder. “You’ll be alright Linc.”
LJ shifted in his seat, he had been sitting there for the better part of 30 minutes and he still had no idea what to say, what was there to say. He could get angry and list all the reasons why he hated her so much. He could vent, bring up all of the things that she did, or didn’t do. How she missed almost all of his birthday’s.
But as much as he wanted to do that, he couldn’t, and as much as he didn’t want to admit it, he was sad.
He glanced up and saw that she was looking at him.
He leant forward slightly in the chair and reached out, placing his hand over hers. “Mom.”
“LJ, can you help me sit up, please.”
He stood and leant over the bed, pushing the pillows back and helped her sit up a little. “Is that ok?”
She smiled up at him and motioned for him to sit back down. “There’s something, a few things that I need to tell you.”
“Mom, you don’t have to do this.” he replied. He was suddenly nervous, he didn’t want her to do this, he didn’t want to hear how sorry she was, and that she wished things could be different.
“Yes I do. I need to do this LJ, please, just let me.”
Despite what he really wanted to say, to do, he nodded. “Ok.”
“I know that you think I didn’t want you, I did the exact opposite of showing that I wanted you, but that’s not even point.”
“So what is the point?” He asked.
“That you’re my son, even though I was never a mother to you, you’re still my son, and everything I did, it didn’t mean that I don’t love you.” She had tears staining her cheeks now.
“Please just let me get this out, because there won’t be a later to do this.” She paused for a moment, shifting in the bed.
LJ couldn’t help but notice how uncomfortable she looked, and he last comment, echoed through his mind ‘There won’t be a later’.
“I’m sorry, for everything that I did to you, for all the things I never and I’m so sorry.” She said, her crying turning to sobbing. “I’m sorry.”
As much as he never thought that he would do this, something told him that this time, it was different, he could forgive her, tell her that he did and he could mean it.
Sara sat down at the table with Julia. “I just want to know what’s going on, how long do you think she has?”
“I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to give you a time line.” Julia answered. “Its too, morbid.”
Sara glanced down at her hands which were resting on the table top. “I know that it is, but Julia, please. I mean we come in one day and she seems really bad, but the next time we come in, she’s looking a lot better, I think that just makes it worse, everyone keeps telling us to expect the worst, that getting hopes up….”
Julia drew in a deep breath and nodded. “If she even makes it to tonight, I’m not sure that she, its not looking good Sara, she’s not responding to any medications and earlier this morning, before Lincoln arrived, I didn’t tell him, but she stopped breathing, we spent several minutes resuscitating her.”
Sara raised her hand to her mouth. “Oh god, I uh, I had no idea.”
“She said that she didn’t want to fall asleep again, because she knew that she wouldn’t wake up.”
“Lincoln said that she’s been asleep a lot today?”
Julia nodded. “She has, she keeps drifting in and out, there isn’t anything we can do for her.”
“So you’re saying that today, the goodbyes need to be said.” Sara answered.
Julia nodded again. “Yes, I’m sorry.”
Sara inhaled a few deep breaths, trying to process it all. “So I should get back to Lincoln, because Lisa still hasn’t really seen Lorelei yet.”
“OK, I’ll be in there soon.”
Julia sat at the table and watched as Sara left the room.
Lincoln looked up when he saw Sara walking back down the corridor. “So did you find Julia?”
Sara nodded. “Yes, uh Linc, where’s Stuart? Because you should probably bring Lorelei in.”
“They went down to the cafeteria awhile ago.”
“I’ll find them.” Michael offered. “I won’t be long.”
“Lincoln, Julia told me that it will most likely be today.”
“I figured as much.” He replied. “Yeah, I know.”
15 minutes later, Michael returned with Stuart and Lorelei, and then the three of them went into the room, closing the door again.
Michael and Sara walked across the corridor and into the waiting room.
“I barely know her, but everything she’s done, even still, I’m sad.” Sara said. “This shouldn’t be happening.”
He reached over and took her hand in his. “Its not, not at all.” He paused for a moment. “We’re going to have to help them.”
“Of course, and we will, they’ll be ok, we’ll make sure of it.”
Lincoln took Lorelei out of the baby seat and cradled her to his chest, he moved around the bed and leant down slightly, he was glad that when he went into the room, that Lisa was sitting up, despite how much pain she was in she took Lorelei and held her.
“She’s beautiful Linc.”
“Yeah she is.” He stood there and watched as Lisa studied the little girl, Lorelei was waving her arms around, not having been around Lisa, he was still sure that she could tell that that was her mother.
A few minutes later, Lisa looked up at him. “I know you’ll do great with her Lincoln. She’ll be ok, I know that she will.”
“I promise that I’ll make sure she is.”
Lisa smiled at him. “I know.” She held her daughter for a few more minutes until she looked back up at Lincoln. “Take her, you have to take her.”
Lincoln moved quickly towards the bed and picked Lorelei up. “What’s wrong, are you alright?”
It was like everything was moving in slow motion. He watched as Stuart left the room, he could hear voices out in the corridor, but it wasn’t helping, it was too late, he watched as Lisa lay there, struggling to breath and there wasn’t a damn thing that he could do, nothing he could do but stand there, to watch and to wait for everything to change again.
Just as long as you stand, stand by me